12 2010

I went to see Resident Evil today, fully expecting at least a trainwreck and came away satisfied. They piled extra trains for this one, loaded them all up onto one track and then made a good show of running them, full speed, at one another.

The film is a series of endless nonsensical moments punctuated with scenes designed to highlight the 3D I paid an extra $3.50 for. Brains exploded at me, quarters flew toward my face, zombies lunged, concrete shattered, sunglasses spun and whirled. The movie made no attempt to explain any of these moments, such as when the female protagonist assaulted an underground facility with an army that consisted, seemingly, of clones. Nor did it ever attempt to explain why an evil corporation that had wrecked the world was bothering with tormenting the survivors of a zombie holocaust. “They’re experimenting,” we’re told. Why? For what purpose? When the world is destroyed and zombies have made the surface of the planet unlivable, what the hell are you working toward? Is this corporation planning to release another horrible virus? Does it just want to ruin the lives of the small remaining population? I think if you’re an evil corporation, and you destroy the planet, you should probably congratulate yourself on your great victory and call it a day. Hooray! You won. You can stop being evil now.

Anyway. This is far more thinking about Resident Evil than has been put forth by its filmmakers. And, frankly, it’s hurting my brain. I should have just marveled at the explosions and chomped away merrily on the popcorn.

But…Resident Evil has inspired me, after a fashion. As a movie fan, I’ll pretty much see anything they toss up on the screen: foreign or domestic, crap or classic. And I’ll do it knowing sometimes the experience will be more than the actual viewing. I do this because I like the idea of sitting there, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends, now and again with a woman, and simply losing myself.

Today’s film, the aforementioned Resident Evil, was in 3D. And, honestly, I liked 3D more when it was a hokey gimmick than I do when it’s a hokey gimmick designed to divest me of a little extra $$$. They’re making a lot of movies in 3D recently, and I’m not sure it’s warranted in most cases. Step Up 3D, which I am almost positive is not a real movie, does not warrant a third dimension. Nor does Saw 3D, which may be a real movie but should rely on its horror and not a series of clever shots designed solely to send spikes flying at the audience.

Used sparingly, 3D is a probably a great thing. But it’s overused now and, more to the point, it’s being overused by filmmakers who drop their pants and grunt heartily to produce their masterworks…

And while we’re at it…

Resident Evil also gleefully embraced another one of my film-related pet peeves: The scene tossed in to make you sit through the credits.

I don’t understand this one. Someone’s already got my $10 or whatever, and I’m sure the people who make the movies know that no one watches the credits even when they’re watching the credits. Is it vanity? Is it some sort of stupid power play? If it’s important, stick it in the movie proper. If it’s unimportant, well, honestly, don’t bother.

This time, the scene served to explain the movie’s final shot: a swarm of evil corporation helicopters coming to assault human survivors. So it was at least relevant, but apparently not relevant enough to show as the film’s 30-or-so last seconds?

Honestly, toying with the audience like this seems cheap and mean-spirited. During Iron Man 2, I waited an excruciating 10 or so minutes, trapped in my seat, waiting for a scene my friends promised I had to see. And when everyone and his mom had scrolled on by the screen, I was treated to 20 seconds of a hammer being excavated. Everyone was so excited! Thor’s hammer! Yay! And all I could think of was the 10 minutes of my life I would never get back. All for a hammer.

In 3D, no less...

Categories: The cinema

One Response to “Go Ask Alice …”

  1. Tracey Says:

    BUT IT WAS THOR’S HAMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!11111

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